It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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