I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
