wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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