Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
