If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
