I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
