At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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