I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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