What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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