I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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