Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
