: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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