I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
