please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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