don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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