And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
