I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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