hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Someone signed my nipple.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
