just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
