Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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