Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
