i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
