im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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