im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
