dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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