If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I have already put on my inside pants.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
