Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
