I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
