You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
