why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
