I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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