You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
