i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
