JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
