They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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