its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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