you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
