the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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