cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So much rum. So many feels.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
