He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
