If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
How naked do you want me to be?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
