Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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