idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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