I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
not ubering you a puppy
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
