You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
