oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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