true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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