bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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