don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
