Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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